the actual articulation of whatever

In light of the impending Democratic apocalypse of November 2010, I think it is high time that we discuss and put out in the open exactly how you ought to feel about the (D)im prospects of this midterm cycle.

Lesson 1: Learning is experience and 2008 is worth remembering. If you recall, it was the year in which the almost three-decade old conservative movement crashed into a wall made of money and sand. America, which had been moving steadily right since the election of a dashing old man to the White House in 1980, took a jarring leap leftward with the election of a young, sleek covert agent from lands abroad, bred deliberately with the bizarrely inefficient destruction of our nation in mind.

With Obama’s ascendancy, the coup de grâce, came the final fall of the Republican congress and then eventual arrival of a Democratic super-majority. The nation was poised for change – and not just the bumper-sticker sort but the tangible sort, like a hatched Bolshevik plot or something equally consequential.

Yes, we were told that 2008 was a watershed moment in our nation’s history and we reacted in kind. If you think back, you might still be able to hear various news anchors weaving their unimaginative story lines about the GOP being “put out to pasture”, the possible end of the Republican Party and the thousand-year rule of the Democrats. In short, the men and women of America’s televised services (our best and brightest) had an erection as openly exposed as the microphones which stood so tantalizingly close to their mouths. It was an easily exploitable storyline, perfect for simplification, hyperbole, yelling, flashy graphics and weird breaking news music to make the viewer uncomfortable but glued to the set.

A power shift in American politics, an episodic event, became blown up into a pre-rapture party which warranted utterly confusing sixteen person panels on CNN, smug circle jerks on MSNBC and a completely predictable case of masturbation-induced-amnesia on Fox News. In the end, it meant ratings.

Fast foward to 2010:

The GOP, marked for death by pundits just a year ago, is about as angry as a screaming zombie and almost as articulate. The Democrats, assigned near-permanent hegemony over the country around 12 months ago, are docile fools walking around with shaved heads so that the zombies might have a better look at the menu.

So, here’s my advice for the upcoming season: As November 2010 approaches, keep your eyes open for televised orgies in which a group of made up men and women get paid to conceive of and share the most bizarre and half-baked ideas ever to cross a lusty American mind. If you get lucky and come across this sort of stuff, listen up. Act on your wildest urges right then and there. Soon enough, you’ll find yourself fucked and they’ll find themselves paid.

-Before the game/event has started, people will be reminiscing about the legendary time when the commercials were good and lived up to the hype. No one will be able to agree about when this was.

-I’d like to thank the players, coaches and owners who will feel obligated to thank God for making at least one prediction an easy lock. God will be mentioned (How many players, coaches and owners are there? Hm…) at least 85 times but, if you’re lucky, you’ll only see 8 on TV. Those who thank the big guy upstairs will not fully articulate what they are implying: “Thanks, God, for taking your eye off of Haiti so you could help me make this playoff run. I’m going to sleep in a pile of rum-soaked money tonight.”

-The Gatorade poured on the winning coach will be green.

-Jonathan Vilma (MLB, Saints) and Pierre Garçon’s (WR, Colts) shared Haitian heritage will be mentioned a minimum of 30 times throughout the broadcast, 5 of which will come while players are actually on the field.

-Gary Brackett, who has lived what is probably the most incredible personal story of those involved, will be mentioned six thousand times less than Dwight Freeney’s ailing ankle. Dwight Freeney will be mentioned one hundred times less than Dwight Freeney’s ankle.

-Inexplicably and from Miami, the Saints will complete the rejuvenation of the city of New Orleans. This public service will be mentioned two dozen times, give or take 10 times based on how well the Saints play.

-During half-time, either Roger Daltrey or Pete Townshend will break a guitar or two. I will not bat an eye unless they smash at least three.

-The first post-game interview will be a dadaist practical joke. The MVP will string together a meaningless string of sports clichés (“We took it one play at a time, he let the ball come to him, in the zone, we came to play, a win is a win…”) and replace the word now with meow for the next week, on talk show after talk show. No one will call him out for this.