Seeing into the future: Super Bowl predictions.
-Before the game/event has started, people will be reminiscing about the legendary time when the commercials were good and lived up to the hype. No one will be able to agree about when this was.
-I’d like to thank the players, coaches and owners who will feel obligated to thank God for making at least one prediction an easy lock. God will be mentioned (How many players, coaches and owners are there? Hm…) at least 85 times but, if you’re lucky, you’ll only see 8 on TV. Those who thank the big guy upstairs will not fully articulate what they are implying: “Thanks, God, for taking your eye off of Haiti so you could help me make this playoff run. I’m going to sleep in a pile of rum-soaked money tonight.”
-The Gatorade poured on the winning coach will be green.
-Jonathan Vilma (MLB, Saints) and Pierre Garçon’s (WR, Colts) shared Haitian heritage will be mentioned a minimum of 30 times throughout the broadcast, 5 of which will come while players are actually on the field.
-Gary Brackett, who has lived what is probably the most incredible personal story of those involved, will be mentioned six thousand times less than Dwight Freeney’s ailing ankle. Dwight Freeney will be mentioned one hundred times less than Dwight Freeney’s ankle.
-Inexplicably and from Miami, the Saints will complete the rejuvenation of the city of New Orleans. This public service will be mentioned two dozen times, give or take 10 times based on how well the Saints play.
-During half-time, either Roger Daltrey or Pete Townshend will break a guitar or two. I will not bat an eye unless they smash at least three.
-The first post-game interview will be a dadaist practical joke. The MVP will string together a meaningless string of sports clichés (“We took it one play at a time, he let the ball come to him, in the zone, we came to play, a win is a win…”) and replace the word now with meow for the next week, on talk show after talk show. No one will call him out for this.
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Tags: the future