I will teach you how to react to the 2010 elections: An erection the size of a microphone.
In light of the impending Democratic apocalypse of November 2010, I think it is high time that we discuss and put out in the open exactly how you ought to feel about the (D)im prospects of this midterm cycle.
Lesson 1: Learning is experience and 2008 is worth remembering. If you recall, it was the year in which the almost three-decade old conservative movement crashed into a wall made of money and sand. America, which had been moving steadily right since the election of a dashing old man to the White House in 1980, took a jarring leap leftward with the election of a young, sleek covert agent from lands abroad, bred deliberately with the bizarrely inefficient destruction of our nation in mind.
With Obama’s ascendancy, the coup de grâce, came the final fall of the Republican congress and then eventual arrival of a Democratic super-majority. The nation was poised for change – and not just the bumper-sticker sort but the tangible sort, like a hatched Bolshevik plot or something equally consequential.
Yes, we were told that 2008 was a watershed moment in our nation’s history and we reacted in kind. If you think back, you might still be able to hear various news anchors weaving their unimaginative story lines about the GOP being “put out to pasture”, the possible end of the Republican Party and the thousand-year rule of the Democrats. In short, the men and women of America’s televised services (our best and brightest) had an erection as openly exposed as the microphones which stood so tantalizingly close to their mouths. It was an easily exploitable storyline, perfect for simplification, hyperbole, yelling, flashy graphics and weird breaking news music to make the viewer uncomfortable but glued to the set.
A power shift in American politics, an episodic event, became blown up into a pre-rapture party which warranted utterly confusing sixteen person panels on CNN, smug circle jerks on MSNBC and a completely predictable case of masturbation-induced-amnesia on Fox News. In the end, it meant ratings.
Fast foward to 2010:
The GOP, marked for death by pundits just a year ago, is about as angry as a screaming zombie and almost as articulate. The Democrats, assigned near-permanent hegemony over the country around 12 months ago, are docile fools walking around with shaved heads so that the zombies might have a better look at the menu.
So, here’s my advice for the upcoming season: As November 2010 approaches, keep your eyes open for televised orgies in which a group of made up men and women get paid to conceive of and share the most bizarre and half-baked ideas ever to cross a lusty American mind. If you get lucky and come across this sort of stuff, listen up. Act on your wildest urges right then and there. Soon enough, you’ll find yourself fucked and they’ll find themselves paid.
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Tags: realize, the future